I miss dinner. We never ate together as a family at a table really, but I miss him grilling. My dad loved to grill. He was always making something new and it was always good and I miss it. My mom hardly cooks anymore and when she does it's something thats not very good, she's really not that good at it and most of the time my dad would just cook something on the grill. Even if it was winter he was always out there right outside the door so he could come back inside and just watch it through the window. He was always doing something. He was so goddamn productive and I wish I could be that way. I hope I grow up to be just like him.
Things are at rock bottom. Sometimes you think you're there but usually you're not. But I can honestly say that I am. I'm not happy. I make jokes about my dad all the time, and I think people think I'm okay but I'm not. What else am I supposed to do? Have people worry about me? All I hear all the damn time is, "if you need anything let me know." What I NEED is to talk to somebody who has any idea what I'm going through. What I NEED is to eat my dads wings and watch a Colts game with him. I need him to be here, to hold my family together, to keep my mom happy and to fix everythig. People can't give me what I need and I'm sick of hearing that.
I need him. the boy I like. I've never wanted anything the way that I want him. Those first few weeks after my dad died, he was there for me more than anyone. I saw him every day for like 2 weeks and then school started and he was gone all the time and I hardly see him or talk to him and I just miss him so much. He's the only person I really talk to about my dad and sometimes I just feel like I need to talk to him. Some nights I would just stay at his house and cry for hours on end, until 1 in the morning....and I just really feel like I need to do that right now. Those first few weeks it hadn't hit me really but now it's settling and I really need to be at his house and talk to him and his parents and cry. I need something to make me feel better....something to release any of this.