I feel like I'm under so much pressure. This Wednesday I start having my own classes at Tumble X by myself and I'm SO scared. I have the 3&4 year olds and a level 1 class by myself. I don't want to drop any kids!!! And with everything happening lately, I really don't know how I'm going to be able to be patient with them. I'm usually really good with them, but I have just had ZERO patience lately...I don't want to snap on a 4 year old.
And then there is EOC...and they wanna know my schedule..and when I can work...and I just don't want to work there. I was never in the mood to waitress before my dad died and I'm really not in the mood now. I don't feel like hearing customers bitch and complain all night, I have better things to do. It's not like I'm making good money there anyway..They are so inconsiderate, they didn't even ask me if I was ready to come back after my dad died and just scheduled me. I didn't even get a whole week off. I just have no motivation to work there at all and I hate going in there. And I refuse to work Friday nights, I'm not missing football games.
Then there is the college class and school is starting on Monday and I'm just so stressed I can't handle any of this right now. It's the worst time for all of this...seriously I don't think there could be much of a worse time.
Everything is changing. I'm never going to be the same. There are so many things I have to get used to now...It's just so hard when my dad doesn't come home at the end of the night. I hate seeing all his tools in the garage, and looking at his truck, and seeing his stupid banana peppers he grows (GREW, another thing I have to get used to...using the past tense when I refer to him) in the backyard. I hate that none of us know how to fix anything and we have to call someone and ask for help. My dad fixed everything. I hate that there is only 4 of us. It just seems so small. I hate that it's my SENIOR year and I feel like it's ruined.
I just forget a lot of the time that he's gone because I don't want to believe it. I was always a "daddys girl." I hate saying that, but me and my dad got along pretty well. Everyone said we're just alike..and I really think we were. Allie and AJ always argued with my dad and I always butt heads with my mom. I don't know...
There was just so many things changing this year anyway before my dad died. I'm leaving high school, I'm leaving Wayne soon, and all my friends and everybody I grew up with. Swinford told me we aren't having a gymnastics team this year and he's selling the equipment...That was enough for me to deal with. So not only am I losing my high school, my gymnastics team, and my friends, but now I have to deal with losing my own dad. It's just too much to handle. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle this year. I'm not excited AT ALL. I have 2 jobs, and I'm taking a college class plus there is just school work...it's too much but I don't know how to get out of any of it. It's my senior year and I just want to relax and enjoy it!