there isn't much to talk about. we lost to the fuckin juniors in powder puff i'm sooo pissed off i'll be hearing about this for the rest of the damn year. i killed my back playing and i seriously think i might have really hurt it....and those juniors were some fat scary girls.
but WE BEAT SOUTH SIDE IN FOOTBALL!!!! first time in 9 years. that was so cool. i rubbed it in geoff and trevors face at church, that was great. the only time i'll ever be able to rub anything like that in their faces haha.
jordan is giving me the silent treatment because last friday at the game his annoying immature girlfriend sam sat behind me at the football game...i don't know why because the girl doesn't like me....and i asked brittany if she wanted to go to the bluffton street fair and sam looks at jamie and goes "THE BLUFFTON STREET FAIR AHAHAHAHA!!!!" like thats the dumbest idea ever...like the street fair isn't like 3 rivers or something...so i was telling jordan about it at school and jessica was like "i don't know why she was laughing at us, maybe we should be more like her and we can get drunk get pregnant and get an abortion!" LOL it was SOOOO FUNNY but jordan got so mad which i don't really care that he did and i don't know why he did because he cracks jokes about the abortion all the time and he came back to class with me and called jessica a bitch and stuff and i stood up for her and now for some reason he's mad at me and not talking to me but he's talking to jessica...whatever i don't care he will be over it in a day or 2 and if he's not then i don't care either because i have enough shit to deal with and him and his immature girlfriend are the least of my worries.
not to mention that homecoming court was rigged...the most random people are on court and it's because all of these random people counted the votes and i know they cheated because nobody even knows who half of these bitches are. im so pissed and i'm so tired of everything at wayne. i'm only there for 3 hours every day and that is too much for me....i can NOT wait to graduate.
I miss dinner. We never ate together as a family at a table really, but I miss him grilling. My dad loved to grill. He was always making something new and it was always good and I miss it. My mom hardly cooks anymore and when she does it's something thats not very good, she's really not that good at it and most of the time my dad would just cook something on the grill. Even if it was winter he was always out there right outside the door so he could come back inside and just watch it through the window. He was always doing something. He was so goddamn productive and I wish I could be that way. I hope I grow up to be just like him.
Things are at rock bottom. Sometimes you think you're there but usually you're not. But I can honestly say that I am. I'm not happy. I make jokes about my dad all the time, and I think people think I'm okay but I'm not. What else am I supposed to do? Have people worry about me? All I hear all the damn time is, "if you need anything let me know." What I NEED is to talk to somebody who has any idea what I'm going through. What I NEED is to eat my dads wings and watch a Colts game with him. I need him to be here, to hold my family together, to keep my mom happy and to fix everythig. People can't give me what I need and I'm sick of hearing that.
I need him. the boy I like. I've never wanted anything the way that I want him. Those first few weeks after my dad died, he was there for me more than anyone. I saw him every day for like 2 weeks and then school started and he was gone all the time and I hardly see him or talk to him and I just miss him so much. He's the only person I really talk to about my dad and sometimes I just feel like I need to talk to him. Some nights I would just stay at his house and cry for hours on end, until 1 in the morning....and I just really feel like I need to do that right now. Those first few weeks it hadn't hit me really but now it's settling and I really need to be at his house and talk to him and his parents and cry. I need something to make me feel better....something to release any of this.
I don't know what to say. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me and I think he likes one of my good friends. I don't know, maybe I'm just being paranoid but some shit has been going on and someone is lying to me and it's something I can NOT handle right now and it's something none of my friends should be putting me through. It is really not the time.
I'm in such a bad mood...just when you think things couldn't get any worse some how they always do. You would think by now that SOMETHING good would happen to me. seriously.
soooo tired of all this shit..
BUT! we did the senior surveys, i've been looking forward to it! i got most gullible and most likely to trip at graduation HAHA! that made me laugh. jessica said i tied for biggest heartbreak but since i already got 2 awards they gave it to inday. i'm glad actually, i just don't know where the hell that would even come from? i don't break hearts! jordan was the boy that got biggest heartbreak...haha now wouldn't that funny....me and jordan both getting that award. jordan did get most likely to trip at graduation with me...i thought that was amusing.
i'm in such a bad mood
Summer is over and school has started. I feel very indifferent about it. Don't really care if school starts or not....I can say with confidence that this was by far the worst summer I've ever had and needless to say, I'm ready to start a new year. But I went into school today and I was just thinking "shit I hate it here" and I swear I don't know a damn person in that school anymore and everyone is nasty or gross or white trash or ghetto and I can't stand it. BUT I'm only going half days and it's so weird and I felt like I was skipping school. Kristin, Kurt, Cory, Ray and I went to Pizza Hut after school. I have photography with Jordan and Nick. Jordan is pissing me off already! I'm the only person in 4th year photo so everyone is doing different stuff then me. Then I have pre-calc with LUSSENHOP! I swear that dude is too cool but I'm so scared of that class. It's going to be hard and we already had homework today. It's a bunch of juniors in there..but JARVIS IS IN THERE! Oh I'm so happy he's in there.
PLUS the seniors have their own hall for lockers and I'm excited about that too because I won't have to be around all those annoying underclassmen all the time. And my locker is right by Mr. Leitz's room so I can't wait to harass him all year.
I've had huge doubts about this year but I'm determined to make it a good one.
I feel like I'm under so much pressure. This Wednesday I start having my own classes at Tumble X by myself and I'm SO scared. I have the 3&4 year olds and a level 1 class by myself. I don't want to drop any kids!!! And with everything happening lately, I really don't know how I'm going to be able to be patient with them. I'm usually really good with them, but I have just had ZERO patience lately...I don't want to snap on a 4 year old.
And then there is EOC...and they wanna know my schedule..and when I can work...and I just don't want to work there. I was never in the mood to waitress before my dad died and I'm really not in the mood now. I don't feel like hearing customers bitch and complain all night, I have better things to do. It's not like I'm making good money there anyway..They are so inconsiderate, they didn't even ask me if I was ready to come back after my dad died and just scheduled me. I didn't even get a whole week off. I just have no motivation to work there at all and I hate going in there. And I refuse to work Friday nights, I'm not missing football games.
Then there is the college class and school is starting on Monday and I'm just so stressed I can't handle any of this right now. It's the worst time for all of this...seriously I don't think there could be much of a worse time.
Everything is changing. I'm never going to be the same. There are so many things I have to get used to now...It's just so hard when my dad doesn't come home at the end of the night. I hate seeing all his tools in the garage, and looking at his truck, and seeing his stupid banana peppers he grows (GREW, another thing I have to get used to...using the past tense when I refer to him) in the backyard. I hate that none of us know how to fix anything and we have to call someone and ask for help. My dad fixed everything. I hate that there is only 4 of us. It just seems so small. I hate that it's my SENIOR year and I feel like it's ruined.
I just forget a lot of the time that he's gone because I don't want to believe it. I was always a "daddys girl." I hate saying that, but me and my dad got along pretty well. Everyone said we're just alike..and I really think we were. Allie and AJ always argued with my dad and I always butt heads with my mom. I don't know...
There was just so many things changing this year anyway before my dad died. I'm leaving high school, I'm leaving Wayne soon, and all my friends and everybody I grew up with. Swinford told me we aren't having a gymnastics team this year and he's selling the equipment...That was enough for me to deal with. So not only am I losing my high school, my gymnastics team, and my friends, but now I have to deal with losing my own dad. It's just too much to handle. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle this year. I'm not excited AT ALL. I have 2 jobs, and I'm taking a college class plus there is just school work...it's too much but I don't know how to get out of any of it. It's my senior year and I just want to relax and enjoy it!
At the end of the day it feels like such an accomplishment to know that i got by. Some days it's not that bad but other days it's terrible. It's when little tiny things piss me off and I just want to SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM. It takes so much in me to hold in those screams and I just want to pull my hair and say FUCK YOU to everyone. My aunt asked my mom if I was angry at my dad...Why the hell would I be angry at him? I'm angry at people. At everyone sometimes. It seems like nobody treats me the way I feel like I should be treated...That sounds so selfish (really, it is but don't I have the right to be a little selfish right now?) but its like people either just flat out pity me so much that it's awkward or people just act completely normal, like it didn't happen and I hate that too because I don't feel like the person I was 3 weeks ago. And then sometimes I just WANT people to feel sorry for me and hug me and other times I just want them to act normal....really I'm just being difficult.
I talk to him all the time. Mostly in my head, but sometimes I just say Dad out loud. It doesn't have the same meaning. It doesn't sound the same. It hurts so much to say that outloud.
I hate it when people don't know and I have to tell them. I hate it when people say he "passed away". Like saying those choice of words makes it easier to talk about, just say that he died...I mean thats really what happened.
And I'm so tired of hearing "I'm sorry". The word sorry means that you want to be forgiven. I guess there is nothing else to say, but I'm so tired of sorry. It got old very very fast.
I get so jealous whenever I see people with their dads. Sometimes it gets so bad that I just hate seeing men period. Like at registration I saw Mr. Swinford and I don't know what it was, but I just got so pissed. It's something I can't really explain. I get very jealous of Shea because he has wonderful parents. I don't know why I get so jealous because my dad was the best dad I could ever ask for.
I feel like my life isn't so private anymore. I'm a very private person (believe it or not I mean I do have this journal haha) but I don't feel like that anymore. I don't mind it. I feel protected. I feel like I have to try my hardest to do the right thing because I don't want to disappoint him.
there is one thing to look forward to and thats gymnastics.
i can't wait. we have a new coach and she did gymnastics the same time allie did. she graduated in '03 at snider. she qualified in sectionals....she's just going to be GOOD. i can't wait. i can't wait to just be in that gym and smell the chalk and be uncomfortable in my leo. i can't wait to chill with the wrestlers between practice.....it's gymnastics season baby and thats the best time of the year!
meeting this friday!!!!!
and the game at bellmont is this friday. it's sectionals and apparently we're going to have no trouble beating them. weeee!! we better not mess this one up.
i just can't wait for gymnastics to start. it's something to look forward to...
Don't look down
don't look into the eyes of the world beneath you
don't look down, you'll fall down,
you'll become their sacrifice
right or wrong
can't hold onto the fear that I'm lost without you
if I can't feel, I'm not mine,
I'm not real
pastor dave is gone
WE BEAT NORTHROP!!!!!!!
oh but there is more......
the score was AMAZING!!! 62-21!!!!!!!
This means we've scored 112 points within the past 2 games!!!
oh but here is the best news of all.......
RAY BYERS BEAT THE RECORD FOR WAYNE'S RUSHING YARDS!!!!!!
They said on the news that ray is "quietly one of the best running backs in the SAC" and that wayne is "stepping up their game" plus, coach gets says that people are going to be chasing rays record for 10 years. andddd ray is only a junior....who knows what next year will bring!
i just can't believe we kicked ass that bad. it was crazy! we ran on the field....hahahaha i didn't fall! i went up to ray and he was like "AMANDA I BEAT THE RECORD!!!!!!!!" and i have never hugged that guy so long in my life. it was so awesome. and jodee was crazzzzzy!
i still can't believe we beat them that bad. ahh. they beat south side and i think a couple other good teams.
dude then we all went to the haunted cave. it was so fun. tonight was just great.
i love colton adamonis, tabitha grainger, brittany rae miracle, ray byers, and nick null!!!!!!!!!!
tell me why we just beat elmhurst 51-21 and on the news they said "wayne was doing good, but the trojans can't be stopped!" come on. that pisses me off and i don't even know why. this is our one night of glory and they shot it down by showing the one good play elmhurst had. bastards.
hey, ray got 213 yards though!!! thats freaking awesome....so close to the record! so freaking close! and jodee did amazing oooohweeee. that game was just so cool. i can hardly talk. i felt bad for jordan, he couldn't play. and cory got hurt! but he's okay. i was scared. at the end of the first quarter it was 35-0! that's CRAZY!!! We had 1 fumble and 3 interceptions JUST at the first quarter. so hey you bitch news people, NOTHING CAN STOP WAYNE!!!!!!! they poured the gatorade on coach getts....hahaha and he was pissed, that was good. and in like the last 2 minutes of the game we all went on the track and just started talking to the football players which is funny because the coaches usually go crazy even when they turn around. but they didn't even care. gosh, it was such a good night to win. it was such a good night just to get 51 points!
we got northrop next week. we beat them last year, but i'm doubting it this year....i still got some hope though. we really have improved a lot.
this time last year i was dating jordan. when we beat elmhurst last year everyone ran on the field (i fell!) and i hugged jordan and told him i fell and he picked me up, hugged me and said it was okay. those were nice times.....
but yeah i just wanted to fill you in on the football game tonight because it was really good to see them win.